Pregnancy and motherhood, in general, is a constant balance of having unsolicited advice thrust upon you and spending your time and energy figuring out what will actually work for you.
As a mom-run company, we are fortunate to be surrounded by women who have entered the transition into motherhood with many diverse perspectives and experiences. And since connection is such a huge part of being a parent, we wanted to share some of those experiences with you, because it takes a village, and we love being a part of yours!
For the mom who feels like she’s always failing:
As someone who is painfully self-aware and constantly grading myself on a pass/fail basis, motherhood was a rude awakening. I quickly became consumed with how much my daughter should be eating, how long she should be sleeping, or which milestone she should be reaching—and it was not only taking a toll on my mental health, but it was making me lose sight of the things she was doing.
After weeks of essentially micro-managing my newborn’s daily activities, a friend changed my entire perspective with one simple phrase— “parenting is a game of averages.” What she meant by that is you have to pull back and look at things from an overall perspective.
She told me to stop looking at every feeding or nap or tummy time as either a success or a failure and, instead, look at things from across multiple days or weeks. It seems so obvious, but in my postpartum, exhaustion-riddled brain, it was revolutionary. Not only did it alleviate so much of the stress that I was putting on myself (and my daughter), but it allowed me to get a real understanding of what worked best for her. It gave me the freedom to not fixate on the few ounces she ate in the morning because I knew she tended to eat more before her afternoon nap. And that she wasn’t loving tummy time because I wasn’t giving her enough time to burp after her feedings. This approach took the tension out of the caretaking, and for the first time, I felt like my daughter and I were on the same team, working together.
- Courtney, Mom of 3
For the mom who’s not sure where to start:
As a first-time mom, there were sooooo many voices sharing their advice about every aspect of motherhood, from what to do during pregnancy, the best way to give birth, how to care for your child so they immediately sleep through the night (LOL). I was glad for the information BUT some of it was conflicting and only made things more confusing.
Once the hospital staff deems you well enough to take this fragile human home, the well-meaning advice and rules feel like they might be impossible to follow. During those first nights of constantly interrupted sleep, I started to realize I needed to figure out what was going to work for me and this unique baby - all while healing after pushing a full human being out of me. 🙃
At the end of the day, parenting is a journey—one that is uniquely yours to discover over time. My best advice to new and soon-to-be parents is to do what keeps you sane because you are the one who has to care for your kids - not the sources of advice. You don’t have to be perfect, and you definitely don’t have to follow every piece of advice handed to you. What’s most important is that you take care of yourself so you can take care of your kiddos. Your mental and emotional health is essential to being the kind of mom you want to be. When you feel balanced, calm, and happy, it translates to your child and everyone benefits! Your presence matters more than any perfect parenting technique. Stay sane out there!
For the mom who isn’t sure there is enough of her:
When my second son was 5 months old, I found out I was pregnant again. We had a 2 year old and a 5-month-old, and now another on the way. We lived a 12-hour drive away from any family, and I was still working part-time. I barely had time to adjust to having two kids before my mentality had to shift to being a mom of 3. We took a trip to visit my family and decided to go ahead and share the news. They were surprised, to say the least. I told my grandmother, “I don’t know how I’m going to do it.” This is a woman who has eight children, 19 grandchildren, and 17 great-grandchildren that I also witnessed nurse my grandfather through dementia for 10 years. She grabbed my hands and, with a smile on her face, said, “You just do it.” It wasn’t condescending or dismissive of my overwhelming feelings. She was reassuring me that I already had everything I needed to care for my children. Anytime I got overwhelmed with the chaos of 3 under three, that moment always came back to me, helped me take a breath, and just kept moving.
- Ann, Mom of 3
For the mom who is comparing and questioning:
In the early days, I found myself answering the somewhat pressure-filled question, “Is she a good baby?”. With a baby who doesn’t quite fit into the "easy" category, I’d feel the need to justify whatever struggles we were facing at that moment until someone told me: Every baby is a good baby. It was such a relief to internalize this. So, when people would ask, instead of getting caught up in justifying or comparing, I started responding with a smile, and those words, ‘every baby is a good baby,’ and that was enough.
The second was something I have heard 1000x, but in the thick of it, it truly shifted my perspective: “This too shall pass.” During the sleepless nights when I’d find myself Googling some issue or milestone, obsessing over what we weren’t doing "right," someone shared this simple mantra with me. I began to see each phase we were in as a wave to ride, knowing it would eventually pass. These two pieces of advice were game-changers for me—reminding me to embrace my baby as she was and to trust that we were meant for each other and the struggles were temporary.
For the mom who is feeling confined:
In some of my earliest memories, I can remember days when my brothers and I were basically climbing the walls of our house and bickering, and my mom would say, “You all need to go outside! Go be outdoors for a while!”
She intuitively knew what so much science can now tell us - being outside boosts our moods, fights depression, supports our immune system and gives us better sleep. Our bodies just work better when we get outside.
I had my first baby in January in Indiana, so I was trapped indoors for the first couple of months postpartum. I struggled so much in those early days, but my day always got better when the weather warmed up just enough so that I could get outside.
I had my second baby in April, and I spent as many of my early postpartum days outside as possible. I sat in the sun, went for walks, and just soaked it all in. Now, when my kids are climbing the walls, I look at them and say, “You all need to go be outside” — and I know I probably do too. Whether it’s dinner on the porch, a quick walk down the street, or a few hours at the park, getting outside is the most underrated tool in my parenting toolkit.
- Hannah, Mom of 2
For the mom who is paving her own path:
I didn’t grow up with a healthy role model for motherhood, so when I became a mom, I felt like I was searching in the dark. The overwhelming love I had for my kids was so intense that it actually left me conflicted, grieving the love I didn’t receive as a child. On top of that, I constantly felt like I was failing—losing my temper over little things, falling short of the joyful, fun mom I wanted to be, and worrying endlessly that I wasn’t enough for them.
I had no one to call for advice, no one to ask about sleep training, how much to feed them, or whether it was okay that I needed space. Then, one day, I watched an episode of Bluey with my girls called Mom School, and as silly as it sounds, it completely changed my perspective. It reminded me that every day is a new chance to start over. I might mess up today, but tomorrow is another opportunity to be a better mom. Our kids aren’t keeping score of our mistakes, they just want to be with us, to snuggle, to be held. When I mess up, I remind myself at the end of the day that tomorrow is a brand new day to be a great mom.
I’ve carried this mindset into parenting my kindergartner. If she makes a bad choice at home or at school, she gets a consequence, but it doesn’t carry over into a new day. We all deserve second chances to do better, moms included.
For the mom who is hurting with her child:
If you’ve never seen the movie ‘Dan In Real Life,’ it’s a story of a widowed father raising his three daughters alone, navigating single parenthood while trying to muster enough “whatever it is” that you muster to create a new life for yourself without your partner. This has been my favorite movie since its release in 2007, and boy, did I not see the gift of it being so ingrained in my personhood until I found myself by surprise, a single parent with a one-year-old baby girl, just the two of us left alone to pick up the pieces.
Motherhood was already a pretty massive challenge/ transition for me like it is for most moms. It’s this entire unzipping of self so you can reach into your depths that you didn’t even know you had to make sure that you can provide literally anything and everything for your perfect, small human’s needs.
Doing motherhood with a partner is one thing, and it’s difficult. Doing motherhood alone is another. And it’s difficult. At the end of the day there’s no partner to pick up the emotional pieces that you spill all over your poor child as you’re trying to navigate what the new normal looks like. Sometimes, when she and I have gotten to the end of the day, and there have been multiple time-out sessions, unfinished meals strewn all over every living space in the house, and I swear to you, toys that we didn’t have an hour ago, now somehow trailing like breadcrumbs down the hall and filling up the bathtub… I just go cry in my closet on the floor. And, without fail, every time, even though I close the door and try to muffle the sound with a towel or my sweater, my daughter runs in, finds me, and starts crying with me. She sits on my lap and grabs my cheeks, and I’m instantly transported into my favorite scene in ‘Dan In Real Life.’ Steve Carrell, the father, is sitting in the kitchen after a fight with all three of his daughters. He’s talking with his mom and dad about it and he says, “I hurt my kids.” And, without missing a beat, his mom looks up and gently says, “Go un-hurt them.”
Every time my girl grabs my cheeks while she and I cry together, all I hear and feel is this beautiful, simple, powerful advice that somehow my daughter is already well versed in. I wipe her tears, she wipes mine, and we both take three deep breaths. I tell her that I’m sorry for such a long horrible day and making her feel less than my favorite person in the whole world. She says “Mama, I’m sorry too, let’s stop cryin’ now.” And just like that, we are un-hurt.
- Sidney, Mom of 1
